Friday, 1 June 2012

Spilling my guts

Why is it that the people who are the closest to you, can hurt you the most? Why is it that sometimes, no matter how much you do, it’s never enough? How is it that six members of one family can be so diabolically different from each other, that often it’s like they’re speaking different languages? Why is it easiest to hurt and be cruel to the ones we apparently love the most?

Many people tell me that they like my blog because it’s honest and simple. Others have told me that they are surprised I can bare it all on such a public forum. Still others have accused me of using this blog for personal gain. Well, to the people who enjoy reading my posts, thank you. And I will continue to be honest and spill my heart’s contents out. That was the intention of the blog, to begin with. And those who believe that I’m using this blog for personal gains, well, either you can stop reading, or keep reading knowing that that is probably true. It’s my blog and I’ll do whatever the hell I want with it.

People say, and I harp on this most often, that the secret to the success of any relationship, be it with your partner, parents, friends or siblings, is communication. If you’re upset, talk about it. Discuss the issue as soon as possible and move past it. Dwelling on it simply hurts more and increases the distance between the two people.

And yet, as I grow older, I find that I am no longer able to do this. Partly, I think, because talking or telling the person when and why I am upset, has yielded no result whatsoever, and partly because it becomes an effort to deal with these situations. When you have to travel a good deal to work all day and shoulder all sorts of external stress, is personal duress really welcome? Not at all. So what do I do? I avoid. And so does the other person, because clearly I’m not the only one opting for this easy way out. Does it help? No. Do I feel better? Obviously not. Does it make a difference? I doubt.  

Sometimes, the people you want to look up to, or those you looked up to as a child, have the strongest ability to crush your spirit, like a parent or a guardian or even a teacher. Sometimes, the support you were looking for all your life in one person or certain people, that you believe you have found, turns around and slaps you in the face, hard, reminding you that you are but alone. (Woe)man up!

I had a dream about my grandfather yet again last night. Don’t think that I never got mad at or annoyed with him. We fought plenty. But the truth is that he was and continues to be the only man ever in my life that I could lean on 100 per cent. That is, till he fell and I fell with him. It’s been almost nine years and I’m still trying to get up and find my bearings again. I think whenever I get lonely, sad or angry, he pays me a visit, to remind me that he still is there, somewhere, somehow.

I’ve gotten very good at taking care of myself. What choice do I have? It’s easy to pay up, day after day, year after year, in ‘support’ of someone you apparently love. But being by his or her side, and providing the kind of support that they actually are looking for apparently is near impossible. Or perhaps I expect too much. Or maybe I’m unreasonable in my demands. The man spoiled me, what can I say?

Advice: If you love someone, talk to him or her. If you’re angry, yell at him or her. If you want to be cruel to someone you love, hold back. Cruelty may make you feel better momentarily, but it will drive a wedge between you two forever. 


  1. Hmm... to begin with, i love your blog, and you know it! Of course, i do admire how candid and open with your emotions you can get on a public forum as this!

    Coming to the last para - define 'cruel' it only in the form of action, or perhaps words too? This brings me to the point - is it possible that at times you could yell and be terribly cruel with your words too? Perhaps more cruel with your spoken words than slapping the person! Also, believe it or not, there are the kinds who will remain unaffected, no matter what. And that can be even more frustrating. They term this behaviour as 'being patient', while i think they are plain cold, and often shameless.

    But remember what we were discussing the other night? Even if it's a hope in hell, so be it, but i'm positive that there are and will be people who will appreciate the silly, emotional, caring, stupid you...and preserving the real you is so worth it for those li'l bunch of people!

    1. Thanks Naju :) I completely agree with you. And yes, I do mean cruelty of words, not actions. Violence is not acceptable, no matter what. But those closest to us can truly hurt with their piercing words. Either grow a very thick skin, or simply move on. Yep, someone or the other will appreciate the emotional you, like I do you :) Muah!

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