Can anyone of you reading this post right now, admit to understanding yourself completely? Like know what exactly you are, how you are, how you will react in certain situations and what you want from life? I can tell you this much—sometimes, I definitely cannot understand myself. It’s like my mind is speaking Hebrew and my ears only understand English.
When I left home for Bombay, seven years ago, all I wanted was to get out of Calcutta and start afresh somewhere else. I made it happen. And once I moved, for a while at least, I was convinced that Bombay is where I would settle. Settle. Ick.
See now, most people who know me would think that I do want to ‘settle down’ – you know, stable job, family, home etc. – all in one place. At various points in time, I believe so too. That I’m the ‘settling down’ kinda gal.
And then suddenly, out of nowhere, or sometimes out of somewhere, an itch will begin. To get out, move out, move to someplace where no one knows me or the baggage I carry with me, and start afresh, unfettered. Payer tolaye shorshe, as my mom would say.
Almost every year, as if on an alarm, I start whining about Bombay and the urge to get out and move on starts butting its way into my consciousness. Which is weird, to say the least. I get so attached to people and places. Saying goodbye, though I have done it countless times, remains one of the most difficult things for me to do. Ever. And yet this feeling persists.
Of course, I did move once, but I genuinely believe that the place and circumstances were all wrong. Hence all I wanted to do then, was to move back to Bombay.
Lately, I was getting obsessed with buying a house in this city. Over this last weekend, and much thinking later, the obsession is dying down. Do I really want to be tied down to this city forever with a house and the ginormous loan that comes with it? Isn’t that why I didn’t want to go abroad to study? Because I didn’t want a lifelong debt hanging precariously, like a sword, over my head? Then why the need to buy a place in the most expensive city (at least in terms of real estate) in the world?
Anything that ties me down to something or someone has always scared me. I believe that you should be somewhere or with someone because you want to and not because you have to or because a piece of paper says so. Hence the big, fat M word always freaked me out. A girl dreams, so I did let go of my fears and dreamt for a while, of that ‘perfect settled’ life. But now—now the tickle beneath my feet is back; the itch to spread my wings and soar away has returned. Unfortunately, unlike others, my work doesn’t take me too many places; yet. But maybe someday, I’ll be able to fulfil that itch and I’ll be flapping my arms so hard and with such conviction, that I will fly away, far far away.