Monday, 14 January 2013

I met a man...

I met a man a few months ago. He saw me and immediately knew what was wrong. I cried before him and was not embarrassed. He suggested I wear a ring—a yellow sapphire. It’s pretty, though not as pretty as I’d like, and my friends don’t think it’s pretty at all. But I don’t mind it. He told me I am a creative person and I’ve made the right decision. He told me to write my book and that someday he would read it. He told me my heart was broken and would be so, but then he saw my tears, and knew they were true, so told me not to give up hope. He told me that I would face many obstacles in life; that my path was not easy—but that I had to fight it out. He told me to take a leaf out of his book. He hasn’t walked in years, in decades. He told me that if he could overcome the obstacles, there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to. I promised that I’d try.

Today, my tears have dried and my heart has mended. I’m still wearing the ring, I’m still writing my book and I’m still in love. But he is no longer here. The man I met a few months ago, who inspired me more than anyone has in a while, is gone for good. Much before his time. He was a special man, he should have stayed.

I feel strange. I met this man only once. A man who deeply cares about me took me to this man, to help me find direction. And when I met this man, I wanted to believe everything he told me, even though I normally don’t—believe or wear rings. But I believed and accepted the hope he gave me. And yet, now he’s gone.
I’m telling my friends that this man is gone, and they ask me, were you close? No, we weren’t. Did you spend a lot of time with him? No, I didn’t. So why are you so upset? What are your tears for? I don’t know. I feel sad; I feel a void I didn’t think I could.

Do you have to know a person for decades to feel his/her loss? Do you have to spend a lot of time with him to miss his presence in this world? I don’t know. Perhaps. Then why do I feel so? Why do I feel uncomfortable in my gut? Why do I feel the bile of fear rising in my throat? Why am I scared that what he said may come true, and my heart will break again? That I’ll be unable to overcome the obstacles? Why can I not speak my heart openly to the one person I can otherwise tell everything? Why do I suddenly feel like I’m fighting a losing battle?

I met this man a few months ago, and today the man is gone for good. I didn’t know him too well and yet I mourn. Why do I feel so? I feel... I feel like running back home. 

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes, you meet someone and you just know they're part of your family. You don't feel the loss of familiarity when they go, of course, since you haven't had time to get familiar, but you still feel the loss of family.

    It's scary. I need to control it better.

    Hang in there. You'll be home soon! Big hugs.