Friday, 26 October 2012

Lotta love to give


The last few weeks have been rather crazy. And the next few weeks promise to be equally so. Between work and a little too much of partying, I’m exhausted. But more importantly, there have been revelations and realisations galore.

These have been weeks of making new friends, reconnecting with old ones and losing some older ones. This ‘balance of life’ business is odd. On the one hand, I meet new people who tell me how fun and interesting I am, while on the other, I have people I’ve spent years, even decades, with, choosing to spend time with others rather than me. And unfortunately, no matter how flattering a new person can be, it’s when those who you’ve spent your best and worst with, decide to walk away that it hurts the most.

In these last few weeks, I reconnected with a special friend only to say goodbye once again; I spent time, and lots of it, with people who still matter; a friend who had walked away for a while has easily and gladly slipped back into my life; and I also lost someone who I’ve grown up with. Sometimes, even the most invincible relationships are brittle. You’ll be shocked, you’ll be hurt, you’ll be angry, but then you’ll know—nothing is forever.

Yes, every relationship has its phases, every friendship loosens grip every now and then, despite having been cemented for eons. What do you do in cases like these? Do you give up on your friend, who once upon a time, used to be an extension of your own being? Or do you fight for it? Or do you simply let time do its work? I have no idea. Right now, I’m doing nothing about it.

Yes, priorities change in life—who knows this better than I do? Your daily life and the people who feature regularly in it take precedence over those you rarely see. That doesn’t mean you have to choose, does it? The one thing I pride myself in is that I’m a good friend. If you ever need me, I’m there, baby. I’m also damn good at keeping in touch. I don’t know how and why, but I just am. So I don’t understand why people decide to choose only a few people to be in their lives, at any given point in time. The human heart is endless, we have so much love and fun to give—why would you restrict that?

In these last few weeks, I have been told I’m fun, and at the same time, been told that I’m stubborn and mufat to the point of being unbearable. In the last few weeks, many have asked for my company, while at the same time, I have been cast aside for someone else. In the last few weeks, I have loved, nursed a broken heart, strengthened myself, perhaps almost loved again, and then returned to my senses.

But the most important thing that has happened in the last few weeks is that I’ve rediscovered myself. In the last few years, I had become a different person—someone I thought I wanted to be. Maybe that person is within me, but not yet. I tried to be this someone for someone else, who, funnily enough, never even *really* asked me to be this someone. And yet I thought, I’d be more appreciated and loved, and I’d be doing the right thing by being this someone for this someone else. Well, that’s just crap.

In these last few weeks, I have done things, said things, been things that I haven’t for years. I have learnt to live for myself and by my own rules. I have stopped tiptoeing around anyone; I have stopped expecting anyone to call or show up; I have stopped waiting for things to happen—as clich├ęd as it sounds, I’m making things happen for myself. I’m going out, I’m working hard, I’m continuing with my fabulous yoga class, and *wait for it*, I’ve started a kathak class. After seven odd years, I feel the passion zinging through me again as my feet slap the floor and my hand does a graceful curve. I’m a dancer and a writer, and today I’m actively pursuing both. I’ve never been happier with myself.

Yes, I’m mufat; yes, I’m stubborn; yes, I love passionately when I do—friend, lover, family or dance—; yes, I am uber sensitive, especially with those who matter the world to me; yes, I daydream; yes, I diet and then break my diet; yes, I love sleeping; yes my friends mean a lot to me, but that doesn’t mean I’m a pushover. Yes, I’m all this and more. If you can’t accept me this way, then maybe I don’t deserve you in my life—yes, I take it all on myself. And yet, despite it all, I love myself.

We all go through changes in our personalities, behaviour, etc. It’s but natural. At any given point in time, some people will *love* you, while others will find you annoying, and still others will not be able to breathe the same air you are. But do yourself a favour and don’t change for someone else—speaking purely from experience. If you’re trying to be someone else for your girlfriend/boyfriend, kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? I mean, your significant other fell in love with the person you truly are, not the one you’re trying to be. Most of all, love yourself and the world is bound to love you. I love me; do you?

5 comments:

  1. The problem is that we frequently fall in love with who we think someone is, the person they're pretending to be to us, the person they're pretending to be to themselves, who we think they could be, or even who we think we could make them. I've changed for the people in my life, several times...sometimes, it's the normal, sane compromises we make as we get closer to someone, and sometimes it's been a disastrously attempted change in identity. I'm not sure I've ever been loved for who I am, and that's at least partially my fault, for not knowing myself.

    Like all damage, though...it heals. I've ended up stronger. More stubborn, I'm sure. And very sure of who I am and what makes me happy.

    And yes, I love you. You're family, and you've always been a good friend. Terrible at keeping in touch, of course. But I'm glad you're figuring out who you want to be; it seems like that's the hardest part to figure out before relationships can really work, and we only get there by seriously fucking up a few relationships.

    If you date a Mexican actress, I *guarantee* you'll know who you are in 6 years :)

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    1. I love you and your shiny, bald head too :)
      And like I always say, whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! Lots of hugs.

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  2. love you and this post. so honest. and I can't agree more with everything you have said. I made some choices too, tried to make it work, gave up, tried again, don't think i have stopped trying though.

    x

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    1. I guess you never have to stop trying but you much know when to let go. And you must remember that there are others who love you a lot more, and will never leave you. So focus on those peeps :D

      Love you 2 3 4.

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