Learning it all the hard way

So I’ve been chastised lately by several peeps for my lack of regularity in updating this blog. Truth is, I’ve been avoiding it. There, I said it. For the first time since I started writing here, I don’t want a bare-it-all kinda post, and yet I fear, that as soon as I start typing, my mind will automatically go into vulnerable and open-to-all mode. And right now, for a reason I can’t quite fathom, I don’t want to do that. But let’s see how this goes.

There’s been an overhaul of sorts in my life in the last month or so. An overhaul I’ve been through a few times in the past, so I guess it makes me stronger every time, yet something that gnaws and chews at me every time, nonetheless. This overhaul has led to a new abode which I’m still trying to get used to, with very little luck. People have been giving me all sorts of ideas to spruce things up in my home but I just don’t feel like it. Maybe in time…

I’ve learnt some hard lessons lately, questioned a number of decisions I’ve made, and wondered where my life is taking me. Wondered about the things that I’ve been so clear and confident about till now. I’ve learnt that no matter what and who, everyone has their own lives and priorities and the sooner you accept this, the easier things will get—so don’t expect others to pick you up. I’ve now realised why people stay in bad marriages and relationships, or forgive their partners for cheating and murder, or search high and low for a new partner, or settle for much less than they want or deserve—for the companionship and security they otherwise provide. I’m not condoning it, nor am I dismissing it. I just understand it now.

I’ve learnt that you feel differently about different people, and the degrees vary as well—how you feel for someone and how they feel for you. I’ve learnt that sometimes your strongest convictions are shattered, but having them shattered just once usually isn’t enough. You’re not going to learn to give up or let go unless you’ve been trampled on several times over. Yet, somehow, you emerge strong—out of no choice.

But I suppose the toughest lesson I’ve learnt is that planning and giving your all to anything at all usually goes unrewarded. Because at the end of the day, it’s all about your destiny, which you can’t fight—try. I’ve learnt that you can get your heart broken by the same person over and over again, and it hurts the same, every time. I’ve learnt that expectations are worth nothing.

Today’s an especially emo day for me cos it’s the happy buddays of two very special men in my life. Two people who I’ve turned to, leant on and given my all to, in varying degrees, over the years. Two people I love deeply, in different ways, but who matter to me greatly, whether they are in my life or not. Sadly, I saw neither today, for completely different reasons. And I guess that just makes me sadder.

The big fat silver lining to this phase though, is that I’m completely and totally in love with my job. I’m being branded a whacko workaholic, but I don’t mind. This job distracts me, lets me do what I love doing, what I’m passionate about, pays me and gives me credit for it, and lets me be me. Femina, the magazine, the website, the people—all of it makes me inexplicably happy. I hope I never lose this spark, because after almost two years, I feel ambitious and focused again; and I suppose I wouldn’t trade this feeling for the world.